A while back I lamented the fact that I couldn't get Lush
shipped overseas. Then someone pointed
out that the headquarters
is actually in England, and they do ship throughout Europe. I happily
placed my first order, and sat back to wait.
(This was naturally before a close accounting revealed that I have no discretionary funds available for such frivolous purchases... but by then it was too late).
Now, I was looking forward to this package. A lot. But it was just a bunch of bath products, nothing life-altering.
Although the e-mail directing me to the UK Lush site said that this stuff
"is like crack", I didn't take it too seriously. I mean, bathing
is bathing, something you do mainly out of necessity, like brushing your teeth:
you may prefer a certain toothpaste over another, but it's unlikely that you
will ever wish you could just stand there in front of your bathroom mirror
and brush your teeth all day.
Granted, there is a sensual side to washing one's body that makes it a little different from plucking your eyebrows, trimming your toenails, or other such acts of personal hygiene. Baths, especially, are more of an experience in relaxation and pleasure than strictly utilitarian procedures.
Still, I figured I'd ordered a bunch of nice-smelling, environmentally-friendly,
original bath products, and nothing more.
Oh, how my life has changed since then.
This stuff is like crack. Worse, because there's not even the hint of vice about it: you feel all virtuous and pure, doing nice things for your skin and your nose. You convince yourself that you are improving your quality of life by pampering yourself. You feel healthy, because it's all full of fruit and essential oils and no preservatives, and no animals are killed or maimed in the process. You realize the world would be a better place if everyone stopped arguing and being nasty to one another, and just took a lot of Lush baths.
You immediately become addicted to clean living, and there's not much motivation to break that kind of addiction, you know?
To help prevent other folks from ending up in my same predicament, I thought I should jot down a few words of warning. Take heed. You may not be happier, but life will be a lot simpler if you Just Say No to Lush.
What No One Has Dared To Tell You About Lush
- If you work from home, it is highly inadvisable to order Lush products. Your bathroom will suddenly begin calling to you throughout the day, urging you to "just take a quick shower", or persuading you that a nice, relaxing bath will help you work more efficiently. Resistance may not be entirely futile, but you will be distracted. Constantly.
- Even if you don't work from home, you will have trouble. You will be tempted to cut client meetings short so that you can rush home and take yet another bath or shower. You will find yourself drifting off during important business conversations, trying to decide which flavor of bath goodies to use that evening.
- You will want to wear sleeveless tops all the time, forgetting entirely about your flabby triceps, just so you can occasionally sniff your arms and get a whiff of that luscious smell. You will hope no one sees you doing it, but you won't care all that much.
- You will spend an unseemly amount of time poring over the catalogue, wishing you could just buy everything and be done with it. You may even attempt to prepare elaborate budgets that leave ample room for this new addiction.
- You will hope for the collapse of the British economy so that the pound is no longer worth 3000 lire (okay, maybe that one's just me).
- You will be torn between wanting to use everything you bought straight away, and wanting to space it out so that you can savor each item the most and make them last forever.
- You will feel as though you are on a strict diet when you limit yourself to no more than two baths or showers a day. It will be hard. You will not be successful every day.
- Sniffing the bar or bottle several times a day is a satisfactory compromise that doesn't use up a crumb or drop of precious elixir. You will not think this habit the least bit strange.
- You will find yourself fantasizing about a trip to the nearest Lush store (in my case, Milan: hardly the stuff of dreams), so that you can purchase some of the ultra-fresh goodies that they can't ship via mail order.
- You will have a very strong urge to send gift packages to everyone you know. Only two things hold you back: the knowledge that your husband would consider such largesse grounds for divorce, and the thought that if you're going to spend all that money on Lush products, you might as well spend it for yourself.
You may think this is all a joke. Alas, every word of it is God's truth.
Number of times I went into the bathroom to sniff my bottle of Skinny Dip
while writing this entry: 2.
I need help.
Disclaimer: Much to my distress, this entry was not sponsored in any way by Lush. If I had to have a sponsor, though, they'd definitely be my first choice.